I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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