her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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