I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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