So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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