God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
