I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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