Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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