I think scott just propositioned me for sex
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize