i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
