You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
