This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
do nipples grow back?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
