Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize