apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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