Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
