Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
