i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
