my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
