i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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