"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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