The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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