i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
