My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
