I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
