My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
