3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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