New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize