I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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