brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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