he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
