Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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