Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
