waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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