I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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