Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
