When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
