Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
