My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
