Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
