Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
