just tell him i said nine months
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
this hospital has no fireball
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
