Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize