I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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