i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
