Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
smell my finger.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
