someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
