she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
