Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
