why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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