8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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