nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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