You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
