I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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