I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
