I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
