More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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