I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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