I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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